The holiday season is fast approaching. Along with the joy and excitement of the season, sometimes this time of year contains some areas of difficulty. If you have experienced loss, grief may make an appearance.  You may struggle with the expectations of your family, friends, and workplace. How can a person embrace the beauty of this time of year without overdoing it and burning out?

The key word to making this work is boundaries. A boundary is a recognition of a limit in your life, and an accompanying action meant to defend that limit. It is important to remember that if you are an adult, recognizing, setting, and maintaining boundaries is your responsibility. You owe it to yourself to think deeply about what you can and want to do. 

There are many reasons that setting a boundary can be a scary prospect. People do not always respect our boundaries. There may be guilt and hurt feelings expressed. Some of the reasons that people don’t set boundaries are a fear of upsetting someone, the idea that you are absolutely needed, the desire to honor a commitment or tradition, or the idea that you can handle anything. Any of these things may cause you to set aside your own well being for something else. It is important to note that boundaries exist around needs. It is up to you to determine what your actual needs are, as opposed to your preferences or desires. A little compromise can go a long way. What we are discussing are the ways that we neglect our actual needs in order to honor someone else’s desire or preference, in a way that is harmful to our own wellbeing. 

One way to identify areas in your life that need boundaries is to tune into your feelings. If you are feeling exhausted, resentful, or uncomfortable, ask yourself why you are having those feelings. Most likely you have been asked to give more than you are comfortable giving. This is a sign that you need to recognize a limit and enforce your boundary.

What are some types of boundaries?

1. Space boundaries are boundaries around where you will spend time and how much time you still need for yourself or to care for your responsibilities. For example, “I need a little break so I am going to go up to my room for a little while,” or “I’d rather meet for coffee than meet at a bar.” 

2. Topic boundaries are boundaries about how you would like to have conversations, particularly about sensitive topics. For example, “I prefer not to talk about this during dinner,” or “I am not interested in discussing my romantic life. Let’s talk about this current project instead.”

3. Time boundaries are some of the most obvious boundaries. We only have so much time and it is our responsibility to use it wisely. For example, “While the kids are home for break, we aren’t accepting any dinner invitations during the week so we can have that time together,” or “Thank you for the invitation, but we won’t be able to stay the night.”

4. Money boundaries are another obvious but difficult boundary. For example, “Let’s limit how much we will spend in the gift exchange,” or “We’re have to honor our budget this year. Can we have a game night and potluck rather than a gift exchange for a party?”

5. We can also set boundaries around what we consume. For example, “That looks delicious, but I have to pass,” or “I’d love just a sparkling water, please.” 

6. Physical boundaries include how we are comfortable being touched. For example, children can be taught that they can choose a wave and verbal greeting, how to shake hands, or how to give a hug and kiss if they would like, and the same goes for you as an adult. 

How do we respond to other people’s boundaries?

Of course, we may also be on the receiving end of someone else’s boundary setting. It is important to remember not to take this personally. We all have only so much time, energy, money, and other resources, and other people have just as many demands on those things in their lives as you do in yours. A simple, “Thank you for considering it,” or “We’ll miss you but we understand,” can go a long way. You can extend the grace to your friends and family that you wish for them to extend to you around these issues. Having boundaries yourself means respecting boundaries in other people’s lives as well. Respecting one another’s boundaries helps us balance our expectations, and allows us to enjoy the celebration.